


Darkest Days: Book 2 of The Bond Series

by Foreverwolf_6



Series: The Bond Series: Merlin [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angry Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Angry Sex, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Caring Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Comfort, Dark, Dark Merlin (Merlin), Dubious Consent, Established Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Grief/Mourning, Hurt Merlin (Merlin), M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Past Rape/Non-con, Possession, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Gwaine (Merlin), Psychological Torture, Self-Harm, Slash, Triggers, Truth Serum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:41:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27664859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foreverwolf_6/pseuds/Foreverwolf_6
Summary: The road to healing is never smooth. Merlin faces his greatest challenge, and Arthur needs to make another choice- to let him fall into darkness, or bring him back to the light. Established MERTHUR. Slash. One chapter rated M, the rest is safely T. Dubcon (kinda sorta- it's weird). Possible Triggers. DARK!
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: The Bond Series: Merlin [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2022760
Comments: 6
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

* * *

_**AN: So, as mentioned, this story is fairly dark. Healing takes time, and a personal pet peeve of mine is to have the characters suffer so much, then boom! They're fine. This little short story is intended on being a bridge between the events of The Choice, and the next installment, Bound by Fate (now sitting in the Doc Manager, completed). But, if Dark isn't a thing for you, then you can skip this without losing too much, and I have made an effort to give a general idea in BBF of the important parts.** _

_**Also, I'm sorry for what I'm about to do… but… realistically, time is moving and eventually, old age gets us all. I needed to make room for a new character that will play a vital part in BBF. Again, so, so sorry! Reviews are candy! Please feed the monster! Thank you so much to all who Reviewed The Choice!** _

_**MERLIN101010101101010101MERLIN** _

Merlin closed his eyes as he listened to the rattling breaths of the old man lying on the cot in front of him. It was his fault. He had been so wrapped up in himself, in being Arthur's lover in truth as well as name, in his new duties- in his efforts to mask his own struggles since the assault from everyone around him. He hadn't paid attention. He should have looked _harder_. He should have...

"It's not your fault, boy," Gaius wheezed, reaching out a shaking hand to pat that of his ward. "In truth, I was old when you first came to Camelot."

"Not old, just wise," Merlin replied, forcing a smile to his lips.

"Pffaw. Wisdom is just a fancy word for having once been a fool." Gaius blinked slowly. Merlin had noticed, these past few days, that those blinks were getting slower. Like it was becoming more difficult for Gaius to open them again.

"Ah, well, there's hope for me yet someday then," Merlin teased.

"I am sorry that you had to learn wisdom so young," Gaius answered sadly. "For all you've lost. I know how many times your heart has been broken, how much you have given to see these days come. I am happy to have lived to see them with you."

"We were a good team," Merlin choked, tears falling freely. Those blinks were getting so slow. The words had too much space in between them. "I couldn't have done any of it without you."

"I was always proud of you, my boy. _My_ boy. I always thought I must have done something great in my life, to have been rewarded with a son. I think I only just begin to understand that you are a son of the people, of the gods, of the world. That we each only get to claim you for a short time. I was blessed to have you for as long as I did."

Merlin drew in a deep breath, sniffling. "I needed the solid foundation you gave me. I _still_ need your guidance, Gaius. I'm not ready to do this without you. Please. There must be something… magic, maybe…" But he had already looked. There was no good magic that could conquer mortality.

Gaius chuckled. "You have been ready for some time. You have so many now to offer you support. You must be willing to reach out for it. Merlin, please, listen to me this last time. You need them. You need _him_. Don't push them away."

"Gaius…" The candles in the room flickered, casting shadows about the dim room. "I need _you_."

"You have so much power, Merlin. You must promise me... you need to remember that you're _human_ , too." Gaius smiled at him when he could only nod. "I am an old man. I am ready for my long sleep. To meet up again with friends I have dearly missed. I will miss you, my boy, but I am ready."

"I'll miss you too. Thank you, for everything. I swear to you I will remember all you taught me," Merlin whispered, his voice cracking under the strain of keeping his raging emotions inside him. Too long now, to open those eyes. He tightened his hold on the hand he was holding. "Sleep now, my friend, my guide, my father. You need to rest for your next journey," he said quietly, offering the old man one last smile, putting a comforting hand on his guardian's brow, using his thumb to gently stroke it. "Sleep in peace," he soothed.

Merlin watched in silence when those ancient eyes closed one last time. He listened until the rattling stopped hours later. He watched for minutes more after the struggling chest stilled. It was only once he was certain it would not rise again that he let out a desperate roar of grief.

Glass shattered around him. He paid it no mind. There was nothing except loss. Another loss to burden his heart. A vital part of himself, gone. His guiding light his conscience, gone. His sobs choked him as they finally broke free from the tight restraint he'd kept on them. He couldn't breathe. He was drowning in his tears.

He felt the arm slip around his shoulders. He turned his head into the now familiar crook of the neck- made as though to fit his head. Those arms surrounded him as he sobbed, tightening, trying to block out the rest of the world. There was now only that strength he was becoming accustomed to drawing on. That special scent that somehow always let him know he was safe.

"Arthur…" he didn't know what he was begging for. Nothing made sense right now. He couldn't think. He wanted to stop feeling. To exist only in the bubble created by those arms. He knew outside of them, it just hurt too much. "I'm sorry…"

"Shhhh… I know," Arthur whispered. "You're not alone this time, Merlin. The loss of this father, you can share with me." Merlin heard the tears in his King's voice. Remembered that Arthur had known the man even longer than he had. "I'm here, Merlin. It's safe to grieve. Let go, Love. I'm here. I'll catch you."

Merlin shook his head against the warmth of the body he was pressed to, but he couldn't bring himself to draw away, and those arms- the most powerful warlock ever to have been born broke down then, raged his loss, cried out his anger, his magic wild, fists pummeled weakly at the broad chest in frustration- those arms never loosened their hold.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

* * *

_**AN: Okay, this one is dark. I give fair warning. I've always been a believer that healing usually takes hitting rock bottom, then fighting your way back up.** _

_**MERLIN10101010101010101010MERLIN** _

"Arthur, I'm worried about him," Gwen sighed. Gwaine, Leon, Elyan and Percival all nodded in agreement from their places around the round table.

"We're meant to be discussing our defenses," Arthur pointed out as a gentle reminder of the reason for this council. There was no need to ask which 'him' she was referring to. Months since his assault, and only two weeks since the loss of Merlin's Guardian. "Not to mention recommendations for a replacement Physician."

"Arthur-"

"I know, all right? I'm worried too. He's shutting us all out. He wants to pretend he's fine, and we can all see he's not. But there's nothing we can try that all of us haven't already. He's grieving." Arthur took a deep breath. "Gaius was dear to all of us. All we can do is our best to give him time. To do that, we need to be in a position to not need to call on Merlin in defense."

Arthur was pleased when they all nodded, and they continued discussing the weaknesses in defenses that Morgana was likely aware of. Of what they could do to fix them. In the back of his mind, though, there was a presence missing in this Council, as it had been for weeks.

Merlin spent most of his time either in the Garden, training so hard he exhausted himself, or locked in the small room. Truth be told, Arthur was worried about him too. Reports of barely touched dinners returning to the kitchens one of his top concerns. The entire castle staff had tried to make themselves available to him, but the more they had, the more he had withdrawn.

He had stood silently in the corner the day Gaius passed from them. Knowing Merlin would need him. Would need his strength even as his own heart broke. In many ways the old Physician had been as much his own guide as his father. A calm, logical voice to counter one of anger and stubbornness. He felt bereft without that guidance, without that solid presence.

The roar that had come from the younger man had been so similar to the one uttered in a vision of another future that Arthur had flinched. Visions that had taught him that love was their Gift- and their burden.

Since that day, he had made his peace. Old age, after all, was an enemy none of them could defeat. He had tried to make himself available to his lover, but the one request Merlin was making was space. He worried about the warlock pushing them all away. It had been one thing to know he was pushing the King away- but he'd understood. Their intimacy was likely too much on an already overwhelmed emotional state. Lately, however, it had been clear that Merlin was demanding space from _all_ his friends.

Arthur knew from the loss of his own Father how much of a comfort it had been to have his silent shadow always with him. That as he grieved, he need only glance over his shoulder to see a familiar figure there.

Merlin appeared to need the opposite. Though the King was beginning to wonder just how healthy that was. It had never worked well for the younger man in the past. This pretense of being 'fine' was fast becoming a sign of bad things to come.

Still. Arthur felt like he had no choice but to wait. He knew it would fall apart. Anything that took that much tight control always did. The boy was drawn tighter than a bow string. He just had to wait, and dread, what the trigger would be. And hope the consequences of the anticipated fall wouldn't break them all.

_**MERLIN101010101010101010101MERLIN** _

Merlin screamed his confusion as he forced a fireball hot enough to melt the stone it connected with through his exhausted frame. It was small, and pitiful, and he could feel his magic begging him to stop. To let it rest. But he couldn't. He had to be ready. Morgana could attack at any time, and so far all he had to show for all his training were some single shot weapon spells and protection spells that would likely kill him if he ever put them into practice in a battle.

Gaius had been so enthusiastic about his Training, about being able to openly learn. The old man had taught him better healing spells, despite them both knowing it would never be his greatest strength. He worked hard on them now. It was important he make them perfect. He consistently failed, however, which made him feel like his guardian would be sorely disappointed in him.

For now, he was the only Healing source the people of Camelot had. He knew, in his heart, that Arthur would have to call another Physician to serve sooner rather than later. He was grateful for every day the King could give him, but he knew it was needed. As Gaius's apprentice, he had the knowledge base, but not the natural skill. And certainly he lacked the gift of diagnosis Gaius had possessed in spades. Someone more qualified had to come.

Which meant he'd have to move out of his room. The room that had been his home since his first arrival in Camelot. A space where he'd always felt he could escape to, even if only for a short time. Where would he go? Gwen had kindly offered her house, still hers despite her new chambers within the palace. But there, too, had some horribly painful memories. In his hubris he had nearly gotten Gwen killed. And then had failed to pull the same miracle out of his hat to save her beloved Father.

So many failures. Each heaping on his worn soul. He should have found a way to save Tom. To save Gaius, old age or not. Failure was his legacy to the people of Camelot. For all his power, those he loved most would always be subject to time. Was he? He'd watched lines appear in Arthur's face over the years. Watched wisps of grey begin to show in the Knights. Gwen's beauty matured and reached new heights in an elegance few women were lucky enough to achieve, but time still touched her.

But he, he remained unchanged by the years that passed. Oh, a few lines had appeared in the corner of his eyes, remnants from his aging spells that had never quite gone away when he reversed them. But time never seemed to touch him as deeply as the others. He knew he could be killed. He had come close to death so many times. Had actually died once, in fact. But was he subject to old age?

Would he outlive all those he loved so dearly? Could he bear this loss over and over again? He didn't think he was strong enough. What would happen to him when none remained? When his great Cause was no longer the driving force of every breath he took? And Arthur. Could he survive the loss of his King, his love? Merlin truly didn't think he could. Not with his sanity in tact. He was self aware enough to know it already hung by a thread. Knew that by pushing his friends away, he had left only the inner voices that enjoyed describing every mistake, every failure, every loss, in great detail. He couldn't silence them.

Voices around the corner of the Garden made him look up. A patrol of guards passing by. The Garden was well protected, but sound carried easily around it, and their voices filtered through to him. They were making no efforts to be quiet.

"… he's going to blow up the castle one of these days."

"Lord Uther is rolling in his grave, I'm sure. Not only a magic user, but a whore to his son. I say, the law is the law."

"King Arthur needs to take a proper Queen. Or marry the current one. Peasant or no, she's got a good head on her shoulders. Pretty enough to make a proper heir, I think."

"Nah. King needs to keep himself open for a political marriage. He's done right by that, at least. And a man needs what a man needs, I've no objection. But another servant… really there are plenty of noble young men who would happily fill his bed. And then to go and give the man titles and honors. It's not right, I say. Allowing magic just to keep his play toy happy? Not right!"

Their conversation drifted off as Merlin stared straight ahead, other words filtering into his mind, voices coming from the surrounds of a dark room.

' _Arthur can't love you.'_

' _King's pretty little whore.'_

' _Weakness for servants'_

Images of being used, of proving just which assets of his the King found most valuable. The law changing. The gifts Arthur had bestowed on him since they'd become lovers. The severity of the punishments of anyone found out to be bullying him. Months of the King openly listening to Merlin's advice. Of being able to perform magic without fear.

All paid for with his body. They were right. Arthur should be considering a proper marriage by now. Should be thinking of producing an heir. Why wasn't he? Was it because of him? This was not the first time his arrival in the King's bed was put together with his lack of an heir.

_'Just to keep his play toy happy._ '

Of course Arthur couldn't love him. He was everything the King bad been brought up to hate. Agravaine's head in a jar of oil flashed in front of him. Knights suddenly gone from Camelot. All because of him. A temporary distraction from the stresses of ruling a kingdom. A man had needs. He was nothing more than an idle amusement, those voices whispered to him. Just one more of the King's notorious affairs. He had no real value.

Confusion mixed with grief, throwing up his endless failures, images of being assaulted and beaten, of using his magic in the most horrific way possible. Weeks of nibbling at food and lacking sleep caught up to muddle the conversations actually heard with conversations heard in the past. Doubts dredged up from where he had buried them deep to create conversations that had never happened. The thin thread of his sanity snapped.

Darkness swam around him and he willingly fell into it.

_**MERLIN10101010101010101010MERLIN** _

Arthur looked up from the paperwork he was reading, gasping for air he was suddenly short on. He could _feel_ it. Could feel the raw and desperate _need_. It was coming closer. It was mixed up in so much else that he couldn't pinpoint a single thread. The Bond screamed a warning at him. He stood quickly, making it only around his desk before the door to his Chambers were thrown open with a blast of air as Merlin strode into the room.

"Merlin-" Arthur began, but never finished as the warlock's lips met forcefully with his. Here, too, in this kiss, Arthur could feel the need. The desperation. He tried to gentle it, to be tender, but Merlin wouldn't allow it.

Hands scrabbled at his clothes, undoing laces even as they shook. Tearing where they couldn't coordinate enough to untie.

"Merlin," Arthur tried again, gently. But Merlin shook his head.

"Please, Arthur," he begged against lips that barely stilled long enough to get the words out. " _Please._ "

And Arthur couldn't refuse him. He wasn't entirely convinced he _should_. If he could deliver any part that help relieve that _need_ that was coming off his warlock in almost tangible waves. Months of being lovers, and still it was so rare for Merlin to voice for himself outside of the responsive throes of passion. He allowed himself to consider that he could take control of it once the initial desperation wore off. He moved his hands to undo the laces of Merlin's shirt, surprised when the warlock moved his hand down to the laces of his dark brown pants.

Merlin managed to turn them around so that the warlock was against the edge of the desk as frantic hands soon rid one man of all his clothes, while the younger kept his red linen shirt. There was a ferocity to it that excited Arthur, he wouldn't deny it. Merlin was taking, and demanding even more still. Hands roamed over soft skin, gentle nips turned into full bites. Arthur gasped when a calloused hand grabbed his hardening shaft, stroking it until it was full. This wasn't the first time they'd been a little rough, not the first time speed was more important than quality.

Arthur reached for the oil in his desk, but Merlin growled, blocking its path. "Raw, Arthur. I need to feel _you_." Merlin turned then, presenting one's of Arthur's favorite views. It drove away any of the distant voices in his head telling him something about all this was very wrong. Though they came back when Merlin grabbed his shaft, moving it to his unprepared entrance. " _Now_ , Arthur, please."

"Merlin-"

"Please, Arthur!" There. That plea again. There was no fiber in his being that could deny it. Nodding, Arthur entered as gently as he could, but Merlin was determined, shoving himself back. Both men cried out at the sudden full sheathing.

Arthur gasped when the warlock didn't give either of them time to adjust, instead moving himself forward, then thrusting backwards again- hard. Arthur tried to meet him in stroke, trying to control it, to slow it down. The younger man refused, using his hands reaching behind him on Arthur's hips to urge a hard, fast pace.

At first, Arthur was lost in the world of sudden sensations that had been denied to him for weeks. Then he reached around Merlin's front to stroke him to completion- only to find the member absolutely limp.

That's when those voices became louder, shouldering into awareness through the fog of _need_ the Bond had surround him in. When the tone of Merlin's cries with each thrust registered as pain, not the pleasure mewls Arthur had long become aroused at hearing. When the natural lubricant he felt was recognized as blood.

And he knew. This wasn't about pleasure. This was about pain. This was about _punishment_. There was no love in this.

His arousal left him as swiftly as it had come, and he tried to withdraw as the realization hit him. He was shocked when Merlin half turned to him, beautiful azure eyes filled with tears turning a burnished gold. " _Lustbærnes néod!_ "

Blind lust entered Arthur's mind, and he screamed as all his nerves came alive, singing in a pleasure he had never before experienced. He found himself driving harder into Merlin in an attempt to rid himself of these overwhelming sensations that nearly- but not quite- bordered on pain. Rational thought fled. There was only the sensations. He wrestled for control of himself, but the pleasure drove him on, even as tears rolled down his cheeks. No rational thought- but his broken heart was easy to feel. And still the spell urged him on. He couldn't stop. He wanted to stop!

Finally he could take it no more, driving himself up and deep, shooting even as Merlin screamed.

Arthur stumbled back as the haze left him. Watched Merlin slide to the floor, sobbing. "You… You used _magic_ on me!" Arthur gasped out as rage went through him. To force him to commit such a disgusting act! Anger, betrayal, and grief welled up in him. The imagery of the violent rutting left him reaching for a bucket as he vomited a weeks' worth of meals. When he was finished, he stared at the man he loved more than anything as he dressed.

Broken, weeping, half naked on the floor, the all powerful warlock was a pitiful sight. And Arthur could find no compassion in him. His own hands shook, and he desperately wanted to be ill again. "Get dressed," he commanded, turning to leave the room.

Merlin did as he was told, unsurprised to find guards entering within moments of finishing. He offered no resistance as they led him to the cells. When they threw him onto the dirty floor he made no attempt to move. This, _this_ is what he deserved. Where he _belonged_ once his master was finished with him. Once everyone from those awful memories was finished with him.

The whore had finally paid his purchase price.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

* * *

Arthur paced his room, ignoring the concerned looks Gwen continued to shoot at him. She had come running to him, of course, the moment she discovered Merlin had been tossed into the cells. He still couldn't quite bring himself to believe it. Merlin, _his_ Merlin, had used magic on him. Why? _Why_ would he force that on them? Surely, when Arthur had felt that need, _that_ couldn't have been it. No one needed that kind of darkness. How could he have been so stupid?

"Arthur, please. You can talk to me."

"He betrayed me."

"Nonsense, Arthur, he loves you…."

" _THAT_ WAS _NOT_ LOVE!" Arthur screamed. "That was… that was _filth_." He wanted to be sick again, only he had nothing left to bring up.

Gwen began to chew her bottom lip as she always did when she was concerned or worried. "Arthur, tell me what happened," she coaxed softly, sensing he was on a razor's edge. That whatever had happened had wounded him badly, and he was reeling from it. She'd never seen him like this, so unraveled, and she'd admit it scared her. 

Arthur shook his head. "I can't. It's not for a lady to hear. I can barely _think_ it, never mind speak it."

"I don't care about being a lady, Arthur. I care about being your friend. And Merlin's friend. And whatever happened here was obviously devastating. I want to help. "

"Nothing… nothing can ever fix this, Gwen."

"All right then, it can't be fixed. For now, I'll accept that. But listening is helping too."

Arthur leaned his fists on his desk, hanging his head down. When his eyes caught site a blood smear on the floor, he reared away from it violently. He didn't understand what had happened. _Why_ it had happened. Why Merlin had taken something so precious and corrupted it?

"I… I _felt_ his need, Gwen, before he even came in. There was so much else in it… I still can't sort it all out. But first was need," Arthur started, unable to take his eyes away from the smear by the desk he had distanced himself from. "I've never felt the like from him before. I didn't understand."

Gwen followed his eyes, and hers widened. Suddenly she took in his disheveled appearance, the way his hands were shaking unless he kept them moving, the tear tracks on his face. She put a hand up to her mouth, beginning to get a sense of what had happened.

"He was rough. I should have seen it… but sometimes, Gwen, between two men, it's like that. And we've always liked to give a little rough. I knew something was… off… but I couldn't… he begged me... gods, Gwen. I should have _seen_!"

Gwen went to her friend, pulling him into a fierce hug. "It's not your fault, Arthur. We both know how difficult it can be to see what Merlin chooses to hide," she whispered reassuringly. He needed to know she felt no judgement. She could feel him shaking in her arms, hugging her back desperately. She could feel the sobs he wouldn't let out building him. She rubbed his back. "Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault," she repeated strongly.

"I tried… when I realized, I _tried_ to stop it. I swear I did. But he used magic on me. I don't- there was no thinking. Only physical. Gwen, he was screaming, and I didn't understand, something was blocking me from stopping… I couldn't stop... he _made_ me hurt him..." Arthur finally let loose, sobbing into her shoulder. "Why? _Why_ would he do that?"

"Oh my poor Arthur," Gwen replied gently, tears of her own falling. This was so much worse than their usual fights. How would they ever find their way back from this? How could Merlin have done such a thing?

Arthur had been right. She very much feared there was no way of fixing this.

_**MERLIN101010101010101010MERLIN** _

Gwen thought her bottom lip would be eaten off soon. A week Merlin had spent in the cells. A week Arthur had ghosted around the castle. They had not seen each other. Merlin refused to ask for the King, and the King refused to go see him. Everyone was tense, and the castle had lost its joy. Laughter wasn't heard much anymore. Not with Arthur clearly so miserable, unable to concentrate. He'd begged off meetings, refused to train with the Knights after he'd nearly killed a young man in his anger.

Now, Gwaine was halfway through a pitcher of wine that was very obviously not his first. The entire castle- and by now, most of the City- knew where Merlin was. Knew Arthur had put him there. None except her knew why. Rumors flew of a violent lovers quarrel, or of the younger man refusing his King to the Court Sorcerer reacting badly when the King tried to repeal the amnesty on magic. She tried to keep ahead of them, but they flew too fast for her to catch them all. So far as she knew, however, none had come close to the awful truth.

"Gwen, you _have_ to talk to him. You're the only one he'll listen to these days," Gwaine pleaded.

Gwen shook her head regretfully. "I can't, Gwaine. It's not that simple this time."

"Have you been down to see him? Have you seen what he's being put through? Every day I go. Every day I find him in the same spot I left him. Moving only when they take him out to beat him, or I do it to force water down his throat because _he_ won't bloody drink it himself! He won't eat. He never speaks. The guards as whispering that he never sleeps. Just keeps staring. Whatever mood the Princess is in needs to end," Gwaine insisted.

"It's not a mood, Gwaine," Gwen assured. "Gods, but I wish it was just that. This is far more serious than you know. Merlin broke something between them."

"And he deserves to die for it, is that it?" Gwaine roared in anger. "I thought you were their friend! No one, and I mean _no one_ , deserves to die the slow death _our_ friend is choosing while he waits to see if his _King_ ," he spat the title with disgust, _"_ will kill him quicker."

"Gwaine, I have to believe Arthur won't put him to death. I don't think him capable of it. Merlin knows that, too."

"Ah, so a slow painful death is to be his sentence then," Gwaine nodded. "Has anyone bothered to even ask Merlin's side? I have, but he won't say anything to me. Even Leon has tried. Have you been so desperate for the King's affections that you'd let an- obviously former- friend of yours rot away in a cell with no real charges laid?"

Gwen hadn't realized she'd slapped him until she felt the sting in her palm. The drunken Knight nodded, turned, and left. Before exiting he said quietly, "He's used to Arthur abandoning him on a whim. I had thought _you_ better than that. Get him out, Gwen. I _won't_ let him die in that cell- no matter what it takes," and left, his threat hanging in the air.

Gwen closed her eyes, letting her tears of frustration fall. They were falling apart. Everything they had built had stood on a solid foundation of deep friendships, and undying loyalty to one another. She needed to know why, she realized. Her heart was horrified by what Merlin had done, and she hadn't been able to bring herself to go any more than Arthur could. How could she look on a face she had once loved and see anything but a rapist? That's not what Arthur called it and didn't seem to think of it that way, but at its core, that's what it had been.

She took a deep breath. It didn't matter. Gwaine was right. There were always two sides to every story. She needed to talk to Arthur.

_**MERLIN101010101011010MERLIN** _

"Gwen! You know what happened!" Arthur raged, aggravated that she had been persistent in getting his attention for three whole days. She'd dogged his every step until he finally granted her this audience. In his heart he knew what it would be about.

"I do. Well. I know your side. And while I don't doubt it to be accurate, _what_ happened doesn't explain _why_. That's the question you've been torturing yourself with for a week and a half, isn't it? Well, go ask him."

"If you're so curious then why don't _you_ go ask him," Arthur snarled viciously at her.

"I did. This morning," she answered, holding her head up high, prepared to take whatever he might lash out at her with. His temper had been less than predictable of late. And he had strictly forbidden anyone from seeing the warlock. Her heart ached for him, knew he was desperately trying to find a way to make peace with what had happened. She knew, too, that the only way to get that was to go see the boy.

"And?"

"He won't speak to me. Actually, I'm not sure if he won't, or if he _can't_."

Arthur frowned. "What do you mean, _can't_? Of course he can. He's never had a problem shooting his mouth off before. I'm sure he has a whole bag full of excuses ready."

Gwen looked at him sadly. "He's dying, Arthur."

Arthur felt the breath leave his body in a rush, felt his heart stop automatically at those words, felt his world collapse. A part of him tried to automatically reach for their bond, but he pushed it violently away. He wanted no part of that connection! Shaking his head, forcing those feelings of deep fear away, he growled at her. "You're exaggerating. A week in the cells never killed anyone."

"Without your protection, he's been beaten almost daily for 10 days. Apparently the guards have been seeking a confession. He wasn't eating much before… that night… and he hasn't touched a crumb since. Gwaine forces water down his throat once a day, but the guards stopped letting him in yesterday. He's so weak, Arthur," Gwen reported in a whisper. She cleared her throat. "A day, maybe two, at most."

She was taking a gamble. She didn't know if there was any part of him left that would still care whether the warlock died or not. Until she'd seen it this morning, she hadn't been sure there was a part of herself, either.

The thought of losing him forever, however, had forced her to admit there was much they didn't know. Merlin would never have done such a thing without a deep, driving motivating factor that none of them had bothered to collect. He could have never done it while in his right mind. Something more had to be going on. She'd had the guards who'd beaten him dismissed, ordered his cell- and him- washed and cleaned. He truly hadn't moved, even to relieve himself. Those vacant eyes welcomed the looming death. Welcomed the end of the hurting that oblivion promised. It had curdled her soul. She couldn't even be sure he'd registered she was there.

She thought she knew them well enough to know that it would devastate Arthur to lose the younger man without ever having a chance to talk to him- either to forgive or be content in his determination to end everything between them, she knew he needed that chance. Much like the act itself, Merlin was making the choice for him, taking it away from him. From them.

"What he did was terrible. And I'm not asking you to forgive him. I'm not entirely sure I can, either. But I do know I need to know _why_ before it's too late. If it's not already."

She left then, knowing there was nothing more she could say.

_**MERLIN10101010101010101010MERLIN** _

Arthur stared at the figure lying on his side on the cold floor. His once fine clothes were tattered from being grabbed and tossed. The cheek he could see was bruised a vivid purple, the lip puffy around the split. There was a careful element to the breathing, even while obviously unconscious, that spoke of damaged ribs. The fingers of his right hand were clearly broken.

For a moment, Arthur felt a wave of rage toward the guards who had done this- without orders. But, of course, Gwen was right. He wasn't unaware of the treatment of some prisoners in the cells. His father had never cared, so long as it got results. By having the guards toss the warlock in, and everyone knowing he'd refused to come here, Arthur might as well have shouted the withdrawal of his protection.

For all that, however, it was the thin delicacy of the once lithe frame that he couldn't stop staring at. He clutched the bottle in his hand. Gaius would never have given him such a tool, but he knew where his father had stashed a considerable supply. The combination of herbs were said to force a man to tell the truth, or to feel himself descend painfully into the madness of his lies. The Interrogators Serum, it was called. Most believed it had an element of magic to it, but his Father had always ignored those rumors. He had seen it work, often enough, though. Many died under its power. Most were in much better condition than the prisoner currently occupying the cell.

He set his mouth in firm resolve. Merlin's actions had broken a trust between them. There was no other way to get the full truth out of him. He opened the cell door, kneeling next to the prone body. He ignored the clenching of his heart. Ignored the voice reminding him of the oath he'd made himself that Merlin would never be forcibly drugged again. Ignored the minor tremor of fear. This had never been used on a magic user before. It was too expensive and anyone accused of sorcery had no need to confess. They were already dead. If it did, indeed, have magic in it, there was no way of knowing how it would react with Merlin's.

It didn't matter. He needed answers. Answers he could trust were true without contest. It was the only way. He hardened his heart.

"Merlin," Arthur whispered, shaking the bone thin shoulder. Closed eyes fluttered, then slowly slit open. They widened a little when they saw him.

"Ar'thr," Merlin croaked, surprised. He seemed to struggle to sit up, but Arthur could see Gwen hadn't been exaggerating at all. Merlin was very weak and barely managed to lift his head. The voice that belonged to the part of him that had loved the boy begged him to stop before it was too late. He ignored it.

Arthur slipped his hand behind the limp sable locks, lifting the tiny jar to chapped lips. "Shhh, you need to drink this."

Merlin's face screwed up as soon as he tasted it, and he tried to turn away, gasping, "No more drugs!"

"You _will_ drink it if I have to pour it down your throat myself," Arthur commanded firmly. It tugged a little at his heart. He could already feel the fever in the younger man. He forced the thought away. They needed this, if there was to be truth between them. If there was ever to be hope of any kind of healing. No matter the risk.

Merlin drank it, grimacing, without any further objections. He closed his eyes, and his head fell to the side. Arthur sat back. The drugs were effective immediately, and usually caused a few moments of disorientation.

"Merlin?" Arthur called. The boy turned his head toward him, his expression one of confusion. "Merlin, do you know where you are?"

"In the cells," came the thick, but prompt reply.

"Do you remember why?"

"I- um…" Merlin scrunched his face, trying to think through the fog. "I did something bad." He winced.

Arthur sighed. The drugs shouldn't become painful until a conscious effort of evasion was made. Unfortunately, they had no distinction between evasion and their own initial clouding effects. "Yes. Do you remember what?"

"In the storage room… not supposed to be a whore for everyone else… just the King's whore…" Merlin's eyes widened and he gave a small cry. "They won't stop." Merlin gasped, trying to move away from something. "Please stop."

"Merlin, who won't stop?"

Merlin moaned again, tears coming from his eyes. "The voices. So many voices." He cried out again, and Arthur had the sense it was a separate thought from what Merlin was pleading to stop the first time.

Arthur frowned. This had been a mistake. He shouldn't have taken the chance of the two magics mixing. He turned toward the gate, yelling, "Get me someone- anyone- with a fair skill with herbs. _Now_!"

He turned back to the now writhing boy. "Merlin, I need you to focus on a week ago. We were in my chambers. What happened?"

"Needed to be punished," Merlin answered quickly, but then cried out again. "It's important I don't exist."

Arthur decided he needed to simplify the questions until someone with more knowledge than he arrived. "Do you remember you have magic?"

"Yes." He cried out again, closing his eyes tight. "It's evil."

Arthur reached out a hand to balance himself. He hadn't known what to expect when he came down here. Excuses, perhaps. One of Merlin's all too familiar vague but detailed explanations. But not this. Still. He had a purpose to achieve here.

"Can your magic hurt me, Merlin?"

"Never. But I can. I have to. Only have enough to pay once."

Arthur refused to acknowledge how much those words broke him. He didn't know what was going on, but he was starting to get a feel for where Merlin's head had been at these past couple of weeks. Was it his fault, for letting it get so far? For not noticing?

"Did I ever let you down, Merlin?" Arthur couldn't help but ask.

"Never. Always me. Can't be enough," Merlin gasped out just before he screamed, closing his eyes against the wave of pain that went through him.

"Yeah, I'll wager _that_ lie hurt. It was a whopper," Arthur snorted. But he needed to know. "Do you love me, Merlin?"

"Always." There was no responding pain with that answer. If anything, it seemed to calm the younger man. Whatever war was being fought inside of him, that one answer was truth with every fiber of his being.

Was that enough, though? To overcome what Merlin had done? To rebuild the trust broken between them? "How could you do it, Merlin? Why?"

"Had to break the bond. Only way for me to escape. Nothing left of my soul to sell."

Arthur blinked, instinctively reaching for their shared bond, surprised when he had to reach for it several times. It had become a second instinct to him. The darkness was there, as always of late. Bigger now, it seemed. The band of light was hair thin. If he concentrated he could feel… emptiness. A hollowness of self and feeling that seemed to absorb even the pain. But something moved along it, slithered in and out. He flinched away from it instinctively.

"Sire?" the Guard inquired, and Arthur blinked again, realizing he had been lost in thought for some time, trying desperately to process the pieces the warlock was giving him. "Sire, a Druid was nearby… "

"Yes, thank you for coming. " He waved the guard away, noting that the Druid man had already knelt beside his 'patient'. He was running his hands over him, flipping back eyelids, smelling his breath. It looked so much like what Gaius would do that it near tore Arthur's heart in half. "I gave him-"

"I know what you have given him, Arthur Pendragon." The Druid sat back on his heels, shaking his head. "There is nothing I can do. He is trapped in between worlds and this drug does not know the difference."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think it was coincidence that I was nearby? I was sent, days ago, when the rift was first felt. One of our Seers told us that the doom of mankind would tear apart all the power of prophecy."

Arthur didn't have to ask. It was not the first time he had been warned of the failings of humanity. "Is there any way to get a true answer out of him?"

The Druid man cocked his head at the King. "All answers are truth, Sire. It is the receivers who denounce them for lies in their own hearing, for their own reasons."

Arthur sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "I'm in no mood for cryptic. You don't understand the situation…"

"But I do. Such a rift was felt by any with even the smallest amount of magic. Every Seer in the land went still, filled with a single thought, a single vision. The roots that would have been planted by Emrys and the Once and Future King no longer existed. A world of flame and death replaced the hope that had existed. Of barren earth and withered stumps once the final traces of magic leave. When hatred overcame love."

Arthur reeled back, banging his fists into solid walls that would never give. "I loved him! May every god of the old and new religions have mercy on me, I love him _still_. There is hurt, confusion, betrayal, but I can't hate him. No matter how much I want to." That truth hurt the most.

"If I can offer one condolence, Sire, it is that this hatred was not yours. It was his."

Arthur blinked. "What cause have I ever given him to hate me?"

"Not of you. Of himself."

' _Only supposed to be the King's whore'_

' _My magic is evil_ '

Arthur barked out a short laugh of disbelief. "So what he did…"

"While I have no way of knowing what triggered such a thing, something has created a dark world of self loathing, hatred, and a firm belief that whatever good in his life, he was not worthy of it. I sense a great deal of loss, of hurt, and of confusion. His gifts have manifested that world into a partial truth to him. It has consumed him."

"We- he recently lost his Guardian, a man he loved dearly as a father. And before that- it's been an exceptionally rough year so far. I can guess at the events which would weigh heavy on his mind and heart."

"But there has been good?"

Arthur couldn't help but smile, thinking back to their first night together. And the many nights since. Moments of simply holding each other, moments of laughter, and of teasing. "Oh yes. There has been good."

The Druid continued to look at him, then turned to Merlin. "Emrys," he whispered.

Merlin tossed his head. "No! Not Emrys! Just a filthy whore. No hope here. Only dark. Deserve the dark."

"Who says you're a whore, Em- Merlin?"

"Voices, all the voices, around corners, and behind me, beside me. Whispers from the dark. No way to love, only pay for what I bought…"

If the druid noticed Arthur's flinch, he didn't react to it. "And what did you buy?"

It was then Merlin turned cloudy, azure eyes to the druid man, and he offered a pained smile. "Freedom, as was asked of me. It was expensive, though. Too many dead. Awful things done. I can't- I can't pay any more."

"Have you not been rewarded with incredible good to balance the awful, Em- Merlin?" the druid asked softly.

Merlin gave another little smile. "Thought it was love. Just a price. I paid my purchase price. Can I… I'm tired. Am I finished now? Please? I have nothing left to pay with. His price is too high."

The druid shushed him, then stood and went over to a sheet white King standing off to the side. "Has he paid enough, Sire? I am Artemis. I will gather some of the healing elements I need. He was once the hope of our people. He deserves to go in peace. I will return."

Shocked, Arthur grabbed his arm as he turned to go. "What do you mean, 'he was once'?"

"Long ago you made a choice, Arthur Pendragon, that resulted in an unwritten future. No, it doesn't matter how I know. You were warned there could be consequences. And then again, you were warned that his choices would be different from your own. His choices have led here. To darkness. To forsake all of himself to save you. The world in which he is trapped is of his own making. There is no anchor here to bring him back to this reality. There is little left of _him_ to save."

"So he's going to die?" ' _It means_ everything _. I would rather die than lose it!_ '

"Do you want him to?"

Arthur hesitated for only a moment, then shook his head. "I don't know how to forgive him, but I don't want to lose him, either."

Artemis shrugged his shoulders. "Then there is another choice for you to make, Arthur Pendragon. He has set his course. With his fall goes all the hope of the Albion the two of you had begun to build together. But for all his gifts, he is still just a man, with a very human heart. Better to let him seek the oblivion of death than to continue to live in this world of true and false memories warped to punish himself for deeds asked of him by Destiny."

Artemis left then. The silence of the cell was broken only by Merlin's occasional cries as his conscience fought with the warped reality of memories. The cries were getting weaker. Merlin was losing his strength.

Another choice, Arthur thought. He didn't think there would be a clever way out of this one.


	4. Chapter 4

Gwen sat up when Arthur entered the chamber's he'd had Merlin moved to- right next to his. He'd been having it prepared since Gaius had passed, knowing Merlin needed a place to move to once a replacement Physician would be found.

There were enough pieces to the puzzle to hint that Merlin had been under the influence of something incredibly dark. Arthur regretted putting him in the cells. It had given Merlin a chance to complete a plan of self-sabotage Arthur refused to believe had been a conscious decision.

Artemis had returned as promised. Had given the warlock some drugs to counter those Arthur had given him, had set broken bones, and put poultices on bruises- but had warned it was only temporary if they didn't find a way to anchor him.

It would be a long night, he knew. He'd spent hours wrestling with his own mind. His own heart. What Merlin had done- and to use magic!- he didn't think he could ever forgive. It wasn't the roughness that bothered him. It was that Merlin had used him to _hurt_ himself. Had used him as an instrument in an act of self-flagellation, however subconsciously done.

"Arthur?" Gwen called, and he realized he'd been standing at the door, arms crossed, staring at the bed. She'd been concerned by the war of fleeting emotions that chased across his expression. "Are you all right?"

Arthur turned to her. "Would you forgive him?"

"Arthur, you're the only one who can answer that," she answered gently. "If Gaius were here, he'd remind you that we're all human. That we all make mistakes. But in the end, I think it comes down to one question- do you still love him?"

Arthur hung his head, tears welling in his eyes. "I've tried to stop, and I can't. And a part of me understands that _something_ happened. That something- or more likely, a combination of everything – drove him to break the bond with the only act he knew could do it- he's efficient if nothing else. He kept saying he had nothing left to sell. When I asked him if he loved me, Gwen, I know with _everything_ I am that his answer was a truthful one." Arthur took a deep breath, trying to stop the heartbreak that was threatening to overflow with every word. "But there is a part of _him_ that _believes_ he's nothing more to me than a paid pretty. That he sold his heart, his soul and his body as the price of the freedom for magic kind and some fancy clothes. How do I even begin to trust that we're both fully in this relationship again?"

"You heard the Druid, Arthur. Something has twisted up some horrific experiences with the self-doubt he's always carried about being worthy of being more than just your protector. I will confess… I have forgiven him. I'm not ready to trust him quite as easily as I once did- but I do forgive him."

"And if he lives? Will you forgive him still? How much of this choice is hard because he's dying?" Arthur demanded. "A few days ago I wasn't even willing to consider forgiveness. Now he's dying, and my heart is dying with him. How much is that influencing my decision?"

Gwen smiled gently at him. "I would say that's the only influence that really matters. Everything else can be overcome with time."

"He asked to die," Arthur answered wretchedly. "What if… what if it's all too much for him, and this is a sign we've asked too much this time? What if I owe him this, for all the times I let him down?"

Gwen was up and grabbed his face in between her hands. "You have _never_ let him down, Arthur. You told me the Interrogation Serum didn't work properly on him. That he didn't know the truth from the muddle in his head. Except he knew one thing, with total clarity. He _loves_ you." She stepped back. "Now you need to decide if _you_ have such clarity."

Arthur looked at the now peaceful face of the man who had suffered so much in his name. For a destiny. For the hope of a nation. How long could one man carry that weight without breaking a little? If it had been him who had broken, who might he have hurt in his descent into a madness only those carrying the responsibility of many could understand? Would he have begged for an end to it all?

Time, she had said. Time would heal. Time was the one thing they didn't have. Arthur drew in a deep breath. It didn't matter. In the end… he knew there had never been a choice to make. Not really.

_**MERLIN10101010101011MERLIN** _

Artemis looked at the King severely. "This is an ancient rite, Sire, and not without its risks. This spell will only partially wake him. You will be speaking directly with parts of him he has long kept buried. It is possible that this may drive him further, in which case, he will never fully wake again."

"Then he'll go in peace, as you said. Not tortured like this," Arthur replied calmly.

"You also need to know that he is powerful in his own right, as are you. This has never been attempted with such power involved before. It's impossible to predict how the spell will react to both of you."

"I accept that." That was why he had sent Gwen away. They had always reached for each other in times of distress. He felt he was prepared for whatever way this spell would manifest itself.

Artemis nodded, stepping back. "Then close your eyes, and focus on what remains of your bond with him. Listen to my voice. Find the bond. Immerse yourself in it. If it is reaching for you, go to it… "

Arthur concentrated, reaching for that thin filament of light that was still there, weak against the darkness overtaking it. When he first touched the dark, his first instinct was to draw back. There was so much confusion, anger, and pain… so much pain…

He pushed his way through it. That single thread of light was still there. He just had to reach for it. He called out to Merlin, begged that bond to help him, to save them both. Suddenly, he felt it reach out, envelope him, drag him under…

_**MERLIN1010101010101MERLIN** _

"Merlin?" Arthur shouted across the expanse of dense fog. "Merlin, are you here?"

"Go away, Arthur. It's broken," a voice called out, seeming to come from every direction around him. Arthur turned in a circle, but could see nothing. Other voices laughed from the expanse. They were loud enough that he had to resist the urge to clap his hands over his ears.

' _He's ours'_

_'King can't have his pretty back'_

_'Nothing but a whore'_

"It's not!" Arthur cried out, yelling over them. "It's wounded. Damaged. But not broken." He walked forward, stopped, then focused on the bond again, grabbing it, using it as a string to lead him. He started forward again. "We can fix it."

"We can't!"

_'Nothing but a distraction'_

_'King needs a real Queen'_

_'Time to pay for what you bought'_

"We can!" Arthur insisted, just as strongly as Merlin denied. "I'm not promising it will be easy. It will take work. From both of us."

"Go away!"

"I won't! You know me, Merlin. Know how stubborn I can be…." Arthur trailed off as he was lead to the end of his invisible string. Sitting in a simple chair was Merlin. Every part of him was covered in massive slashes and blood. There wasn't any skin left whole save his face. His hands were bound by thick iron chains. The fog moved around him, as though alive, waiting to devour him. "Oh, Merlin," he breathed, understanding the wounds weren't real, that they were representations of those his lover bore on his soul. The chains, he thought, were destiny. Nothing else could seem to weigh so much.

"Go away, Arthur. It's done!"

' _King needs an heir'_

_'Just an idle amusement'_

_'A man has needs. Just needs. No love.'_

Arthur shook his head, kneeling in front of his friend. "You have to silence these voices, Merlin."

"I can't," Merlin moaned. "They're so loud."

_'He betrayed you. Used you.'_

_'See he knows his place'_

_'Let's see if he's worth it'_

"You have to, Merlin. Just concentrate on _my_ voice. My voice is the only one you need to hear right now." Merlin shook his head. "Yes, Merlin. You must. They're twisting everything. None of it is real. _I'm_ real, _I'm_ here."

_'Not for long'_

_'Magic is evil'_

_'They're all dead because of you'_

_'You'll outlive them all... nothing but loss and pain in your endless future'_

"No! Please, stop" Merlin begged.

"You can't listen to them. You can't keep giving them power. _You_ can stop this. Just, concentrate on me. We'll sort this out, we always do," Arthur insisted, keeping his voice calm, but making sure it was loud enough to hear. He reached out and grabbed the chained hands, pulling them to his chest. "Feel me breathe. Breathe with me. In, and out. And with every out, push away the voices. Breathe in only mine. That's it. That's it," Arthur soothed, until at last the expanse around them was silent again. "Good."

"Why can you never let me die in peace?" Merlin whispered, closing his eyes, as though in pain. "Always, you come for me. Can't you understand? I'm tired. This sword, it's gotten too heavy to hold up any longer." A huge iron broadsword appeared on Merlin's thin shoulders, sharp edge cutting into already damaged skin. Merlin didn't seem to notice the additional pain.

"I know. I see, so much, now, Merlin. But I have to know why."

Merlin looked at him now. "You know why," he answered softly. "To break the bond."

Arthur nodded. "Yes. But we both know that's not the why I'm asking for. Not really." And for the first time, Arthur found the clarity he had been looking for. He knew why Merlin had wanted to be punished. That had been obvious during his interrogation, and now this awful space provided even more insight into where his friend had been existing. He needed so much more than that simple answer. Merlin had been lost in darkness. He'd been grieving, and simply too much had happened. A triggered event he'd handled badly. No. He needed to know why Merlin doubted him. Doubted _them_. And yet still went willingly to the sacrificial altar night after night.

Merlin blinked back tears. "I don't, Arthur…"

"You do. Or you wouldn't keep using _their_ words. You wouldn't keep giving _them_ power over you. _Something_ in you believes it may be true. So tell me, Merlin. Why?"

Merlin bit his bottom lip, once again turning away, then turned back, defiance in his eyes. "Because I love you! Because I am foolish enough to hope against hope that those voices are wrong, that a mighty King can love a lowly, useless, servant. Because for years you were an arrogant prat that had only moments of being genuine, and then suddenly, you were there. Tender and loving and I keep waiting for the old Arthur to come back. To throw something at me or insult me. I died, and when I came back, you'd changed so much, Arthur. I never quite know if it's real, or if I'm still dead. But the idea of going back… of losing what I have such a tentative hold on… it terrifies me. Every single day, and it's exhausting. But what if it is real? What happens when time catches up with you? So much of _me_ is wrapped up in _you_. What if someday I have to face the question?"

"What question?" Arthur asked gently when Merlin stopped to take a deep breath, to try and rein in his bubbling emotions. The King felt a small thrill when he felt the bond surge around them, though his heart broke with the emotions flooding through it. Hope, despair, love, and anger all mixed in together. He let it surge through him, slowly healing the little fissures created by Merlin's terrible act.

"Who am I without you?" Merlin asked miserably. "For so long, I have been your Servant, Arthur. I have fought to protect you. I have followed blindly wherever you led. And I have done so willingly. I was born to serve you, Arthur, and I'll never regret a day of it. I wouldn't change a thing. Except- everything _did_ change. I trust you with my life. But there is a part of me that is terrified to trust you with the very last bit of ' _me_ '. I've lost so much already. I'm not strong enough to lose more."

"So instead you listen to the voices that call you less? That are so afraid of the person I've become- because of you, in large part- that they would drag you down in any way they can. I recognize some of those voices. They do it because they _know_ , Merlin. They know you're my foundation, that you are my heart, and my conscience. They see that we are strongest together. The easiest way to defeat us is to tear us apart."

"They're becoming louder, Arthur," Merlin whispered. "I can't shut them out like I used to. More and more they sound like my own. On my darkest days, they sound like you."

Arthur gathered up the bloody hands in his, kissing each knuckle. "We silenced them this time, we can do it again. Merlin, I can't promise never to change again. But what I can promise is to always try to move forward with those changes, not back. I'll make mistakes. We've both made mistakes. And we'll have to work to forgive each other our human failings. But we can't let them destroy us."

"I miss Gaius. He would know what to do. He could have stopped… it would never have come to that. I didn't know, Arthur, until after, how much I needed him for his guidance. I could talk to him about anything, because somehow, he always already knew."

Arthur nodded. "I miss him too. But he made you promise something. He made you promise to remember that you're human. And that there are others to lean on, if you simply reach out for them. And you broke that promise."

Merlin sniffled. "I know. One more thing I failed at. I don't know what came over me that day, Arthur. I knew I needed you, knew I needed something. But it all got twisted up, somehow. Oh god. I took something so special between us and let it be warped into something evil."

"Hey, listen to me. You are not evil! Merlin, I can't imagine the dark place you've been in since losing Gaius, and with everything that happened before. But this? Giving up? That's not like you. The man I know and love will fight like a cornered cat- the closer he gets to defeat, the more vicious he becomes. And you have been fighting… you've just been fighting the wrong enemy. _You_ are not the enemy."

"But I'm so tired, Arthur," Merlin whispered. He looked into the fog at his feet. "It's waiting for me to finally let go, to fall into it. When you had me thrown in the cells, I knew it was over. When they came to beat me, I knew I had achieved that twisted goal of breaking the bond. I was free, at last, to choose an ending."

Arthur took a deep breath. This was it. He could either forgive and move on, or hold on to a dark mistake. "I won't pretend, Merlin, that it won't take some time to heal what's been damaged between us. But… the bond isn't broken. I'm here. It pulled me in. This spell was just supposed to wake you a little. Instead, here we are. I don't know where here is, but I don't care. It led me here because it wants to survive. We need to keep fighting."

"For what, Arthur? Camelot is everything we dreamed it could be. Every day, you promote peace and justice across the Five Kingdoms, and beyond. I have done what was asked of me, paid every price I needed to in order to achieve it. It came at a very high cost. And I'm tired of paying it," Merlin sighed wearily. "Just, please… let me go this time."

Arthur swallowed, uncertain. The consideration again came to him that perhaps he owed it to Merlin to let him go. Every man got to choose when to lay down his arms and surrender. To choose when he'd seen enough battles. Some never made that choice, and fought to the bitter end. Some choose simply to open themselves instead of making the parry, gaining a heroes glory in death. Who was he to deny a warrior that right to choose?

But the idea of waking up tomorrow in a world without Merlin was so abstract, so impossible to his mind, that he could barely hold the thought together. There was a part of him that knew, with absolute certainty, that they could never forget what had happened. The real question was, could they move on from it? If he couldn't, then there was no point in denying Merlin that end. It would be cruel, in fact. He had always demanded so much from the younger man, and given little in return.

"Perhaps it wasn't just yourself you were punishing," Arthur murmured, following his inner thoughts. "Perhaps there was some punishment intended for me, as well."

Merlin was shaking his head viciously. "No, Arthur! You are-"

"An arrogant, selfish Prat, as I've been told on many occasions by a few of the people close enough to me to dare say such things," Arthur chuckled without humor. "All of you have been making excuses for me for so long, it's become second nature. Perhaps that price too, was getting too high."

"Arthur-"

"I need to choose again, Merlin. I can let you go, or we both know if I ask it of you, that you'll stay. Even if I turned around and banished you, for me, you'd stay."

Merlin bit his lip, but nodded. He knew that, too. There was no part of him that could deny Arthur anything. He could feel himself on the edge. He need only turn one way or the other to choose life or death. His body lingered there, balanced, waiting for his will to make the decision. The awful reality was that his will rested in the hands of the man in front of him.

Arthur stood, once again resuming his pacing. He always liked to move when he was agitated, or struggling to make a decision. He was a man of action, and movement helped him concentrate. There was truth to what Gwen had told him. He _did_ still love the younger man. He was angry, and hurt, to be used in such a fashion, but… the love was still there. Understanding the reasons, the dark place Merlin had been in, helped ease the anger. Nothing could touch the hurt, though.

How often had he hurt Merlin? He had killed the one woman the younger man had loved. The moment he'd delivered the fatal wound, the memories had come soaring back to him, and he'd known. He'd known Balinor was Merlin's true father. In his frustration, he had still told the warlock no man was worth his tears. Yet how many had he, himself, shed over the years? The years of denouncing magic. Of allowing Merlin to sway him by voicing an agreement with his father- an agreement that must have ripped out his very soul with every word.

And all forgiven. Always, somehow, forgiven. Without fanfare or discussion. No matter what Arthur had done, his loyal servant was always there the following day, ready to serve. Not always with smiles. Those had always taken time to return. But there, nonetheless.

Instinctively, he reached for the bond surrounding him. His guiding force these past months. He had borrowed strength from it, had taken comfort in its presence. It had offered a tether in times when he felt adrift.

As if sensing his need, it wrapped itself around him, trying- still- to protect him from the chaos of his own mind. Could he live a life without it? He knew that it allowed him to see the wonders of the magic of life around him. Would he fall back into the dark of his own making without it? Fall back into the wild rantings of a father he had once been so desperate for any sign of approval from?

Forgiveness. Arthur had always envied how easily it seemed to come to the younger man. He knew the truth now. Knew it had come at a price. Merlin had reached an end of his resources. Where would that leave him in the future? _Resources can be replenished_ , his mind screamed at him. The bond warmed him, reminding him that it wasn't all spent.

"The bond is thin, it's not broken," Arthur whispered. He looked over at the warlock, let himself stop thinking for a moment, and merely _feel_. No. Forgiveness wasn't easy, but maybe it was his turn to pay. "No, Merlin. I won't let you go. We will work through this, as we always have."

Merlin let tears fall even as he nodded acceptance. He would obey, of course. The fog began to pull away, and he watched it go mournfully. Life was to be his punishment, then. He had once told Arthur there were far worse fates than death. It seemed his King had believed him. He felt another wound open on him. Felt the crushing weight of being denied the one request he felt he had more than earned.

He wanted to hate Arthur. Wanted badly to rage at him for being unfair. For being selfish and cruel. But he couldn't. He deserved to face what he'd done. Deserved to pay for those actions. He had brought this on himself-

_'You don't deserve to be happy'_

_'He'll hate you forever'_

_'Filthy'_

Arthur clapped his hands over his ears as the voices returned, louder than ever. His request was being twisted again, used to flog the younger man relentlessly. "Stop this, Merlin!" he yelled, grabbing the warlock's hands, anchoring him to the reality that was just the two of them. The voices became muted, but were still there, taunting from the darkness. Desperately, Arthur reached through the bond and used it to make his voice reverberate through the younger man's core.

"Merlin, look at me," Arthur commanded firmly. When the warlock wouldn't obey, Arthur turned his chin forcefully toward him. "You need to stop. I have to go now. I don't know how much of this either of us will remember, but I need you to know. This is not a punishment. This is another chance. This is _hope_. My love, you need to _hear_ me. You are _everything_ to me, no matter what's happened in the past, or what may happen in the future. Those voices- when they come again, come talk to me. I _will_ drown them out. That darkness inside you is twisting everything. Don't let it. As you know for one truth that you love me, take it for another absolute truth that _I_ love _you_. Let _that_ truth banish every other thought, every other voice or doubt. Whatever challenges lay ahead, we will ride out and face them together, as we have always done. Promise me you will come to me," Arthur pleaded. He could feel the spell ebbing. Feel himself being drawn back into reality.

Merlin nodded, feeling hope for the first time in a while. Arthur was speaking not just to him, but through something- something else Arthur seemed to have mastered and he had barely begun to feel as anything other than a deep, driving instinct. Whatever it was, it reached every part of him, branding Arthur's words into the fibers of his being. "I promise. I will come to you."

Both men felt the swell of their bond reach up and grab that promise, bind them to it.

_**MERLIN1010101010101010MERLIN** _

Arthur opened his eyes, surprised to find himself still seated on the bed. Artemis was wiping something wet from his forehead, and it left a residue that felt like some kind of oil. The druid man wasn't chanting anymore. A glance to his side showed Merlin still unconscious.

"What happened?" He felt like he'd been asleep, having a dream that once he woke, the details escaped him. Something, though. Something had happened. The Bond was brighter within him, getting stronger with every breath they each took. Something had changed about it, though. There was another thin thread now, purple. He reached for it, surprised when it came to him easily, as if answering his call. It was familiar to him… it was his! He blinked in shock. He had _made_ this! It whispered to him of a bargain struck. Of a promise made.

"I have no way of knowing. But magic whispers of hope again, so I would wager you were successful. I think he will live. Even now, I sense his magic stirring within him, forcing away the darkness that possessed him."

Arthur frowned. "Possessed him?"

Artemis nodded. "It is a danger of deep magic users. Especially for him, who can manifest almost anything from sheer force of will and thought. It is why his emotions are so dangerous to him, and those around him. When he we first heard of his meeting with the Once and Future King, many of us feared it was too soon. He was too young to have the control he needed."

"He's stronger than people give him credit for. Even in times like this," Arthur answered. "And when that strength wanes, I will be his strength. I know to be vigilant now." Arthur blinked, trying to keep his eyes open. He was exhausted, suddenly. He couldn't hold back a yawn. "I'm sorry… that was rude…"

"It is well, King Arthur. You should rest now, and when you wake, you will begin the work to repair the rift. There is hope again," Artemis repeated, sounding relieved.

"But Merlin-"

"I will stay. Watch over you both."


	5. Chapter 5

_**AN: And here it is, the final Chapter of this little Short Story. Thank you all for reading! I hope you have enjoyed this, and The Choice. Thank you to all who have taken the journey with me, have read, favorited, followed, and of course, reviews are always sincerely appreciated!** **Thank you all for sharing in this adventure with me!** _

_**MERLIN101010101010MERLIN** _

"I must go, Arthur," Artemis insisted as they walked down the corridor to the Council Chambers. "My people need me."

"Of course. I understand. I wish you would reconsider, but I understand," Arthur conceded. He'd spent four days trying to talk the Druid Healer into staying on as a Court Physician. He'd come to trust him. To appreciate the man's forthright honesty. He reminded Arthur a lot of Gaius.

Artemis hesitated. "The truth is, I am a Devotee of Emrys, and he will likely dislike any who take the place of his Guardian. I do not think I could bear to be the source of his animosity. But, there is a Healer in our Camp who may be interested. He is nearing 45 winters and showing no sign of devotion to any other than the Craft. He is talented, and enjoys a challenge. I should warn you, Theos is also the type to enjoy the irony of using the magical side of his craft within Camelot's walls."

Arthur laughed. He'd miss, he admitted, the pleasant conversations he'd had with Artemis. The druid was honest in his answers, and once he got over his initial dislike of Arthur's surname, found to have a delightfully dry sense of humor. It had presented a wonderful opportunity to get a sense of how the Druids were taking the Amnesty. Many, it seemed, had taken to building villages where their camps had once stood. Some still chose to keep the nomadic lifestyle they had become accustomed to. But most enjoyed the peace.

Bandits, it seemed, were a continuous problem across the Kingdom, as they had been for everyone. Arthur had promised to send Patrols more frequently to the villages, as well as made it clear he welcomed any trade with the Druids, including welcoming those who wished a stall in Camelot's Market. There had even been discussion on an upcoming Summit Meeting with the Council of Elders to discuss the payment of taxes, now that they were recognized citizens of Camelot.

They stopped at the door of the Council Chamber. Artemis would be leaving this afternoon. Merlin was long out of danger, and healing well. He'd been in and out of consciousness, but the Druid had said to expect such. The battle for re-possession would not be an easy one.

"Sire, I will confess, it has been an enlightening visit. When you first offered the soft truce upon your coronation, we had feared it was a trap, designed to lure us into a false sense of safety. There are some who still feel that way. We are, generally, a peaceful people. But the war has been long, and many have lost much."

"I understand. I know better to judge the actions of one as the actions of the whole. I will see justice done to those who disobey our laws, but they and they alone will be held responsible," Arthur promised. "Those who respect the law will always be welcome in Camelot."

"I find you a man of honor, Arthur Pendragon. Emrys is the hope of our people, but I understand now how much a part of that you play as well. Emrys was meant to guide you, shape you, and protect you. The prophecy was considerably less clear on your doing the same for him."

Arthur blushed. "I will try my best, Artemis. I just wish I knew how to protect him from himself."

Artemis smiled gently. "There will come a day when you do. You will grow together. Your challenge is that he will always consider himself last, so it falls to you to consider him first. If you cannot…"

"I can. I'm not sure why, but since that- whatever it is you did- I feel like I can. That it was my part of a bargain struck. I wish I remembered what happened. I get the feeling a there were some strict terms for that bargain."

"If it was important for you to remember the details, you would have, King Arthur. In this case, apparently only the end result was needed. The spell is different for each person. You may likely know even more than he. I must confess to being impressed. I have never heard of someone who could _wield_ a Soul Bond before. Not with the ease you do so. I will admit to being disappointed at not having the opportunity to study it further."

Arthur frowned. "Gaius once said it could be dangerous, especially when Merlin's emotions are unstable. Is that true?"

Artemis hesitated. "Gaius was once very respected among my people for his Healing, and his wisdom. It was a bit of a shock when we discovered he was a valued member of King Uther's Court. If he has warned you, I would keep it close in your thoughts. Soul Bonds are extremely rare, and little is known about them. But if it is there, and if _it_ allows you to wield it so, then I would think it was by design. Perhaps it was a tool granted to you so that you could protect him on a level a sword never could."

Arthur smiled. "I will miss you, my friend."

"And I you. Off to your meeting now. Sir Gwaine is insisting on accompanying me for my protection. I must go find him. When Emrys wakes, tell him that he is not alone. That many walk his path with him, and that if he ever truly needs it- we will come to his Call."

Arthur did something he rarely did- he gave the druid man a slight bow. Artemis, it had been revealed, was a member of the Council of Elders, and a leader among his people. This last show of respect Arthur felt was necessary.

Artemis bowed back- something Arthur understood to be even more rare than his own.

"Continue in Peace, Pendragon. We will meet again."

_**MERLIN101010101010MERLIN** _

Merlin winced as he shifted. His ribs were still tender, and the bandaged fingers on his hand ached. Odd. He didn't remember feeling pain when it was done. He didn't remember much of anything since Gaius had passed. Some spots, here and there. Mostly he remembered darkness. He opened his eyes, looking around. Not the cells then. When had he been moved? _Why_ had he been moved?

"My Lord, some water?" a voice asked to his left. He turned his head slowly to find a middle aged man sitting in a chair, waiting patiently with a cup of water. Nodding, Merlin accepted his help in drinking some.

"Who are you?" he asked, once the cup had been removed. It was immediately replaced by a spoon. Merlin took it automatically, still confused.

"I am Ian, My Lord. Your new manservant, as hired by the Queen Regent herself."

Merlin frowned, but when he opened his mouth to object, another spoon was put between his lips. He ate in silence, then, trying to remember. He remembered being in the cells… why had he been put into the cells? He had done something… something awful…

The images came back to him, and he gasped, choking on the current bite of broth in his mouth. He couldn't- why would he-

"Merlin, you lazy dog. About time you woke up!" Arthur called as he strolled casually into the room, tossing his cloak onto the nearby table. Merlin blinked. He had- he had made Arthur- and he had used magic-

Arthur took one look at the devastation on Merlin's face, and realized that, for the first time, his warlock was truly awake. And without a clear memory of what had happened. He glanced at the servant Gwen had hired to look after him, dismissing him. Gwen had chosen well, he thought, as Ian immediately put down the bowl and offered them both a bow, then left the room.

Arthur went and sat on the edge of the bed next to his white faced lover. Merlin looked like he was ready to sick up everything Ian had managed to force him to eat. "Merlin," he said softly.

"Arthur, what have I done?"

"It's a long, and complicated story. And I will tell it, but I need you to answer a question first. Do you love me?"

"Of course I do, Arthur," Merlin replied, that answer as clear to him as his need to breathe. It helped clear some of the fog in his mind. Helped bring other memories into focus.

"And do you know I love you?"

"Yes," Merlin answered promptly, his eyes widening in surprise when he felt the truth of it flow through him. He somehow knew that Arthur still loved him. That the King had given over his heart as much as Merlin had offered his own. Those two truths took up his entire being. He loved, and was loved in return. "Yes," he said it again, as though testing it on his tongue.

Arthur closed his eyes in relief. He didn't know why, but it had been suddenly crucial for him to ask those questions. Had been incredibly important to note Merlin's reaction to them. He offered his lover a grin.

"So long as that remains true, Merlin, then we are strong enough to work through anything else."


End file.
